As we all were getting ready for work/school this morning, after breakfast, I was in the kitchen telling something to the helper at home while V (my husband) was helping Khushi (my daughter, 5yrs) for going to the bathroom - I hear a loud sound of fall - and turn back to see that it was Khushi. She had slipped near bathroom.
It was a bad fall, and louder would have been my screaming as a subconscious response to her fall. V lifts her, I insist to bring her on sofa to get some fresh air. I saw her facial expression, felt she was struggling to breathe, her face had turned blue. I was in shock.
Pulled out ice-pack, applied on the head-area that she pointed to.
A little preaching to her further to that as things started to appear little normal - stating that bathroom is not a place to play, and there is a time to work and the time to play .. and so on .. Further, my shock which was getting converted to anger by then, and was looking for opportunities for expressions, resulted me stating that if I see her playing in bathroom again, and if she doesn't listen, I'd even beat her.
Anger was for father too, who couldn't protect the child from falling, "If you don't see her properly, lets swap morning tasks, I have no possibilities to accommodate accidents."
I know kids fall, and she had fallen many times in past too, got up to play .. or got her hurts healed .. but may be I just can't accept that things can go wrong with her .. I know I remain very alert to her needs all the time .. it is stressful too .. but this is the change, I have gone through in my life after becoming a mother.
Further, she finishes her bath and I apply lotion and get her ready for school.. She still appears little nervous, not sure if because of fall or my nervous reaction to her fall, and says, "Mamma, I will not go in bus today."
I reply, with tears in my eyes, "Yes! Pappa will drop you."
She lying in my lap, we both wait for V to get ready, and I tell her a few stories. I remember to give her medicine for a possible body pain that she might encounter during the day. And a few min later, she gets up to puke.
I knock the bathroom door for alerting V to hurry up. Call up my father, who is a medical doctor, describing the situation and for taking decision of Khushi going to the school.
Possibilities of her having a head injury, make me feel like crying again.. her being absent from school, her Friday's homework, my work plan for the day .. all questions, and possibly no answers - at that moment.
A few min. later, she hugs me, "Mamma! I am feeling better now. I will go to school."
I still am in worried state of mind, not able to leave everything completely on V, school teacher and caretakers etc., reply, "I will also come to drop you." - as if I want to be incharge, until last possible & needed moment.
And I again feel tears in my eyes, and realise that I need to breathe, relax and recover.
Emotions, and attachments are not wrong, but being in control, at earliest, is important. Solitude is important during these occasions.
So as she was smiling now, I realised that could let her go with V, and also finish my other commitments fast for being prepared to attend the rest of the day, as it comes.
I realised that if I go to drop her, and again end up having tears in my eyes before we part for the day, I'm going to make her weak.
So, I wrote my worries in the form of information of her fall, and needed to-do for her teacher, in her school diary .. Also, requested V to have a word with the teacher as he goes to drop her... Put her favourite snacks in her box, and waved bye - with a smile.
After they leave, I sit to breathe and notice that even though I am the boss, most strong person in the house.. even in my life and career I have taken risks, and people get inspired by those examples.. I'd also be talking "My Story" in one of the upcoming conferences... still I have my momentarily confusions, and weaknesses... and that is when others contribute/complement and make my life exist in this system ... I do see the love and courage that my 5 yrs old daughter exhibits when she notices my weak moments.. I see the (parenting) partner in V when I feel down..
The conclusion is that it's difficult to be permanently and consistently strong, but the strength is in summing up and making up for ones weaknesses .. quickly ...
I like the advertisement of one of the cold drinks - "Daar ke Aage Jeet Hai" ... Absolutely true!! ...
And at an extreme end I can start describing concepts related to Phoenix, my favourite bird, to emphasise comebacks...
But talking in more simple words, though it was a bad fall for Khushi, and I was in the state of shock+fear as a result of that .. But then I also felt that individual role/personality-based strength in the family .. that love and support.. And this is what gets one going :)
PS: This is also a coincidence that just last night my column on ParentCircle.com has been put up. And now as I write this post, I feel I am most suited here - both - as a writer, and also as a parent. A clip book containing writings inspired by Khushi @ https://www.parentcircle.com/clip-book/8146d365f7/life-lessons-you-can-learn-from-children/
|Screen capture, just a day before the column had been put up for public viewing.|